Can We Talk?

Better Homes and Gardens, November 2006

When Laurie Eccleston's son Ben hit the teen years, asking him about his day elicited little more than a shrug. The Bakersfield, California, mom recalls waiting up for her 17-year-old on prom night, concerned that he was safe and not expecting to hear much about whether he had had a good time. "He was on cloud nine and opened up about a lot of things," she says. "We talked for probably two hours. It was a rare moment."

If meaningful discussions are getting to be rare occurrences in your family, you don't have to resign yourself to lackluster chitchat. "With a little effort, we can revive the art of conversation in our own homes," says Debra Fine, author of the The Fine Art of Small Talk. Here's how to get your family talking.

Set ground rules. To keep talk on track at home, Julienne Smith, author of Food for Talk, and her kids, ages 11, 14, and 16, agreed on a code of conduct. "If somebody brings up an idea, you can disagree politely, but you're not allowed to just shout out put-downs," she says. The rules go for parents too: If you mock your teen's taste in music, soon she won't want to tell you about it.

Teach the graces. Children develop language skills as a matter of course. The niceties of social interaction, however, are learned through example and practice. Fine had her kids ask about her day -- and she made sure to model the kind of response she wanted. "If your child says, 'How are you, Mom?' and you answer, 'Fine,' you're doing the same thing you don't want them to do." Be sure to give them a real response, like "It was a really fun shopping trip because I found a great new pair of shoes." This strategy works well with young children as well as teens.

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