The New Parents' Relationship Survival Guide
Pregnancy, December 2005
Of all the things I had to worry about before my daughter, Ella, was born, the state of my marriage didn't even show up on the list. But for weeks after her arrival, it wasn't the off-and-on squalling or the endless feedings that had me in a major funk. It was my relationship with my husband.
Pre-kids, Quinn and I were blissful near-newlyweds, together for everything from book browsing to supermarket shopping. And we hardly ever fought. But enter Ella, a 7-pound emotional earthquake, and suddenly Quinn and I were squabbling over diaper changes and freaking out about our dire financial straits. We couldn't even leave the house after 7 pm. The worst part: We weren't really connecting. Not long after our baby was born, Quinn rocked her to sleep in one room while I wept in the next over the fact that we were never going to go on another date again.
In retrospect, I'm not surprised that our relationship suffered with the arrival of a child. In fact, experts say that's when nearly half of marriages flounder. According to a 2003 review of 90 studies, only 38 percent of women with babies are likely to report being very happy in their marriage, compared with 62 percent of childless women. In 2004, the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University went so far as to proclaim that "children seem to be a growing impediment for the happiness of marriages"--a disturbing trend, considering that research also shows that children raised by happy couples are more successful academically and socially and are more likely to grow up to have their own healthy relationships.
So if having a child is supposed to bring you and your hubby closer together, why is everyone so miserable? The short answer: Kids change everything. Not only do you have more to argue about--family finances, parenting techniques, sex--but you have less time for (and sometimes less interest in) each other.
Your new baby can feel all-consuming, but putting your relationship with your spouse on cruise control while you focus on your child isn't a smart strategy. "We're very blunt with couples," says Pamela Jordan, PhD, an associate professor in the Department of Child and Family Nursing at the University of Washington and the developer of Becoming Parents, a couples-focused education program for expectant moms and dads. "We tell them, 'If you put your child at the center of your family and everything revolves around your child, we can guarantee you two things: Your kid will be really screwed up, and you won't have a couple relationship anymore. And then everybody loses.'"
Sabitha Pillai-Friedman, PhD, a relationship and sex therapist at the Council for Relationships, in Philadelphia, agrees that strengthening your marriage should be a top priority, both before and after your baby's born. "I have a huge caseload of new parents [in therapy]," she says. "But people who confront their problems head on and who seek help come out of it beautifully."
Almost four years since our daughter was born, my husband and I are doing better than ever. Sure, we still disagree about discipline tactics sometimes and have the occasional division-of-labor hiccup. But we're also deeply in love, laugh a lot, and with the help of an army of talented teenage babysitters, we even go on the occasional date. Here's how to help your marriage survive having kids:
Couple Complaint: While you juggle the lion's share of the cooking, cleaning and child care, your husband feels he's done his part by mowing the lawn once a week. It's hard to hide the resentment.
Marriage Mender: Studies show that women tend to do about three times more domestically than men do after a child is born--but you and your spouse probably both feel like you got the short end of the stick. Why? "Even though a lot of men say, ‘I want to do 50 percent of everything,' if they grew up in a traditional family, it's very hard for them to break that mold," points out Pillai-Friedman. So while your husband congratulates himself on changing more diapers than his own father did, you're angry because you're still handling three out of four. To defuse the situation, make an effort at recognizing what your partner does do, both at home and at work; it's probably more than you think. You could also have your spouse help you make a detailed list of household chores, everything from paying bills and scheduling doctor's appointments to changing light bulbs and defrosting chicken. Then specify who's going to do what. An official signed contract may even put an end to the nagging.
Couple Complaint: He wants to let the baby cry it out, but you can't stand to hear your little one wail for more than a minute. Even the parenting experts aren't helping you figure out who's right.
Marriage Mender: Trying to mesh two different sets of parenting preferences gives couples plenty of new things to argue about. (Who knew that the relative merits of scented vs. unscented baby wipes could cause the biggest fight of your married life?) Cary Brown, of Queen Creek, AZ, hashed out family histories and parenting styles with her husband, Warren, before their daughter Emma, now 2, was even born. "We evaluated each other's parents a lot, saying, ‘Well, my parents did it this way.' And we made some decisions about how we were going to discipline a toddler or a teenager before Emma was old enough to be disciplined at all." They still don't always agree on how to handle things, but they have a better idea where the other one is coming from, which makes it easier to compromise on a strategy that's comfortable for the two of them--even if that means letting the baby cry it out only when Mom isn't around. If all else fails, remember that the differences between how you and your husband parent are actually good for your baby; the variety stimulates her brain development.
Couple Complaint: You took a long maternity leave or quit your job to stay home with your baby--and you've been shopping at Baby Gap like there's no tomorrow. Now you and your husband keep arguing about family finances.
Marriage Mender: Money is never an easy topic for couples. But since a USDA-sponsored study estimates that couples spend around 25 percent of their annual income on their children, a birth can mean your bottom line takes a big hit. Plus, leaving work or cutting back on your hours after you have a baby reduces your income just when your expenses go up. To get your financial situation under control, have an honest sit-down with your partner to discuss ways to cut back your spending--switching cell-phone carriers, dropping the Dish Network or buying baby clothes on eBay. But allow each of you a set amount of fun money each month to spend on whatever you want, no questions asked. Blowing $50 on a great new purse may satisfy your urge for retail therapy--and it'll help you bite your tongue when your guy spends his cash on new software.
Couple Complaint: Stress plus fatigue equals one cranky mama. You're sniping at your hubby more simply because you're too tired to think straight.
Marriage Mender: It's hard to feel friendly if you haven't had time to shower in two days. So make sure that both you and your husband get much-needed time to recharge your batteries by yourselves. As a stay-at-home mom to her son Phillip, now 2, Rene Howard, of Longview Texas, found that the isolation was getting to her. "I was getting so grouchy about staying at home that my husband, Jason, started to make a point of giving me breaks when he can so I can go for a walk or to the library by myself." Another way to ease the stress: get help. Sure, hiring a once-a-week housekeeper or sending the laundry out to be cleaned costs cash you may not be willing to part with. "But if you really want to save your relationship, this is the time to spend the money--when your baby is really little," says Pillai-Friedman. "Once people get a little bit of help, they feel a lot better." Just make sure that your crankiness isn't actually something more serious, like postpartum depression, which has been linked to marital distress. (If you're not sure, see your doctor.)
Couple Complaint: Before kids, you spent weekends mountain-biking and caught late-night movies. Now you rarely get to leave the house at the same time, let alone go on a date.
Marriage Mender: It might be a while till you can manage a long weekend away--or even a couple hours at the dollar theater. But just because you can't get out of the house doesn't mean you can't have fun together. "You'd think what's important is going on a date, like going out, but that doesn't really matter" says Carol Ummel-Lindquist, PhD, a marriage therapist and author of Happily Married with Kids: It's Not Just a Fairy Tale. "What is important is that you have a regular time to laugh and play together. Even if the kid is in the room, if you each feel that the other person is paying full attention to you, that's enough." Cary Brown makes time to read, have dinner, or watch a video with her husband by putting her two children, ages 2 and 7 months, to bed early. "Our kids are now asleep by 7 pm every night just so I can have time to be with Warren," she says.
Couple Complaint: Sex: He wants it. You? Not so much.
Marriage Mender: There are a slew of valid reasons why you're not as crazy about sex as a new mom as you were when you were a newlywed, including stress, exhaustion, postpartum hormonal chaos, and physical pain. To your husband, though, your lack of libido can come across as a big fat rejection--so before the desire divide becomes a chasm in your relationship, make sure he understands that it's not personal. "When I give new dads information on all these scientific changes, some men are so relieved," says Pillai-Freidman. "They say, ‘I'm glad it's not me. I thought she didn't like me anymore.'" Try explaining that you would love to have sex with your husband, but you just don't feel up to it. (If a book on postpartum changes doesn't convince him this is normal, get your ob-gyn to do the job.) Then suggest some other ways to create physical intimacy, whether it's holding hands, spooning on the couch in front of Law & Order or making out for five minutes after the baby's gone to bed, with the no-pressure promise that you'll stop there. "Touch is so important," says Pillai-Friedman--even if for now, the touch is nonsexual.
Couple Complaint: You're convinced that no one else has quite the baby-handling expertise you have. But your husband complains that he's not getting to be much of a father--and he feels a little left out.
Marriage Mender: With the arrival of a child, the focus in the family usually shifts from the adult couple to the mother and baby--leaving Dad out in the cold. "Often by the time the baby is born, the dad is on the trajectory out of the family," warns Jordan. While you may feel you've earned the right to a special relationship with your little one--you've lugged him around for the past nine months, after all--making a special effort to involve your husband not only builds your family but nurtures your marriage. When Jennifer Schill, of Seattle, took Jordan's Becoming Parents class with her husband, Scott, she learned that moms tend to look over their husbands' shoulder, offering critiques that are meant to be helpful but that keep dads from developing their own sense of competence. "This was something I really could see myself doing," admits Schill. "So after Theo was born, I was very conscious of my inclination to jump in with ‘Do it this way, try it that way.' The first time Scott put on Theo's diaper, it was backwards. But I didn't say anything." The reward: now Scott's great with 7-month-old Theo. And even Jennifer copies his parenting tricks sometimes.
Couple Complaint: You somehow thought having a baby would make your home life resemble a scene from Donna Reed--with your husband playing the doting father. But somehow the reality's looking more like an episode of Maury Povich.
Marriage Mender. Failed expectations--and a reality that's a lot harder than you imagined--can add up to big arguments. Not surprisingly, research has shown that the more pessimistic couples are about life after the birth, the easier it is for them. "The happiest couples have reasonable expectations for themselves about things like how much sex they're going to have or how much time they're going to have together," says Ummel-Lindquist. "They're pleasantly surprised that they have any time together at all." They also work together to get what they want out of their reality. That means telling your husband that you'd like him to handle the 2 am feeding, rather than feeling frustrated that he's not already doing it out of the goodness of his heart. Getting to the bottom of your expectations is also a smart way to diagnose marriage conflict. If you're feeling ticked off, frustrated, sad, or angry, stop and ask yourself, "What was I expecting here?" Then find a way to let your partner know what you want.